Tuesday- Washington D.C.: The state of Alabama is searching for a replacement Senator after their previous elected congressman, Richard Shelby, was taken out behind the U.S. Capitol and put down by Secret Service agents.
“Our state was shocked to hear that our beloved Richard, or Richie as we called him, was euthanized by government officials on Tuesday,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “Of course, we knew the old guy was getting past his prime, but we figured there’d be some consultation before any drastic measures were taken.”
According to the late senator’s family, Shelby had been sent up to this year’s congressional session while the rest of his family were vacationing overseas.
During an interview, his wife explained: “Dollar for dollar it was cheaper to board him away from home, and he’s always been a bit skittish when we bring strangers into the house, so it made sense to board him elsewhere than pay a house sitter to refill his food bowl and walk him.”
Despite outcry from Alabama voters, the responsible Secret Service agents insist that euthanasia was the only humane option left.
“You could see it in his eyes,” began officer George Harris, “They were all sunken in, and he was really to the point that he couldn’t walk on his own without having to sit down every few feet.”
Other agents reported that the 81 year old senator no longer interacted with the other senators in “meaningful or healthy ways.”
“When the family first started leaving him here, he’d spend most of his time playing with the other congressmen,” explained Democratic minority leader Harry Reid. “They’d go down to the local deli, harass a few feminists, chew on some presidential backed bills – it was really heartwarming to watch them.”
Reid went on to stress that Shelby had lost much of his energy over the past few sessions: “He really just sits in the back of the room, sometimes hiding under a desk if he’s feeling under the weather. Poor thing didn’t even vote on bills anymore, just lays around whimpering about how liberals are destroying America.”
A consultation with congressional healthcare provider Martha Finnegan confirmed that this unrelenting toeing of the party line is often a sign that congresspeople are reaching the end of their lives:
“Judging from his symptoms, they did the right thing. He was likely in significant pain, and ending his suffering was the right thing to do.”
“You could see it in his eyes. They were all sunken in, and he was really to the point that he couldn’t walk on his own without having to sit down every few feet.” – Officer George Harris
As the state of Alabama mourns the loss of their beloved senator – the one who the received from Santa one Christmas; who would sit by the fire and beg for belly rubs; the one who would eat food scraps that could otherwise go to the homeless – Robert Bentley has already begun planning a way to cheer his citizens up.
“I’ve made a solemn promise that, come pay day, I’ll take them out to adopt a new senator. From our past experience with breeders, I imagine we’ll go for a rescue mutt this time.”
**This article is satirical in nature.
*Featured Image: (C.C. BY-SA 2.0)