Weeks of pacing alone in the Oval Office have ended.
Today, President Barack Obama released a statement that he has picked Vermont governor and presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders as the next Supreme Court justice.
Reportedly, the president simply did not care to appeal at all to Republican voters anymore. By choosing an extremely liberal appointee for Supreme Court, votes on major national issues will no longer be at risk of leaning either way, but will likely remain under a liberal eye.
Of course, with this in mind, thousands of conservative voters have expressed outrage, phoning as many people as possible before their crippling apathy takes over. Calls to the White House were met with a prerecorded message from Barack himself, stating “Suck it up, I’m gone in less than a year.”
Despite a lack of partisan support, the conservative dominated Congress was quick to pass the resolution, actually taking time to call a special meeting at 3 in the morning.
“The nation will wake up tomorrow, reassured that no seat in their supreme court will cool down,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced after the vote had been cast.
100% of conservative legislators voted to approve the nomination, while only 35% of liberals voted yes on the subject. “Wait, what?” was the immediate response from Senate minority leader Harry Reid. “Has anyone actually taken a moment to consider this?”
The next step, according to the White House, is to remove Sanders from the campaign trail.
“Our men in suits will grab him and bring him back to capitol hill, where he can get started immediately.”
Sanders, when contacted on his nomination, exclaimed “They did what?” before hanging up.
“Suck it up, I’m gone in less than a year.” — President Obama
With Bernie off the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton has announced that she will tamp down her nomination campaign, and focus her efforts on beating Republican front runner Donald Trump. New polls suggest that she has a tough battle ahead of her, and the voter gap between herself and Trump is similar to the one Sanders was attempting to close.
Featured Image: (C.C. BY-SA 3.0)
This article is satirical in nature.