Rick Santorum Just Spent 9 Months in a Stranger’s Vagina

What Have You Done for Your Cause Recently?

Shits & Giggles | Josh Denty | January 15, 2016 SATIRE

  • Copied

Yesterday ended an oddly specific era in the life of Rick Santorum:

The politician just emerged from the uterus of  a grown woman.

Citing a common pro-choice argument that “fetuses are not alive, and are not people,” Santorum posted an ad on Craigslist, searching for “A foxy lady who wants to spend a few weeks with a fit, rich man, learning about the inner meaning of the uterverse.” His post was short, detailing that he needed a “fine young ‘thang, who will let me get all up inside that, to prove a point.  Also you need to be pregnant.”

After a few weeks, an interested party responded.  At 32, she had just gotten pregnant, and responded to the post hoping to get a reality television show about the experience.  Santorum promised nothing, beyond the “euphoria of having my head pulled from your vagina after being in there for 9 months.”

After negotiating a price, the senator gently placed his entire head inside a grown woman’s vagina.

santorum
Your people are Hungry and You’ve Nothing to Fetus: Includes “Joy to the World ft: US”

In an interview, the woman, who has asked to remain anonymous, gave a brief description of the experience of having Santorum keep his head inside her for a significant period of time.  “He didn’t like it at first,” she said.  “He had a lot of trouble breathing.  Apparently the uterus is filled with a lot of fluid. In all honesty, he wasn’t even in there the full 9 months, because he had to keep coming back out for oxygen.  One time, he passed out, and it took me about 4 minutes to pull him out.  After that he enjoyed it, so there may have been some damage caused by the oxygen deprivation.  I probably wouldn’t have done what he did, if I were given the chance, but I actually had to fight to get him to leave in the end.  He said it was warm and pleasant, just like home.”

“Santorum posted an ad on Craigslist, searching for ‘A foxy lady who wants to spend a few weeks with a fit, rich man, learning about the inner meaning of the uterverse.'”

Throughout the experiment, Santorum attempted to interact with the fetus, hoping to show that it harbored just as much intelligence as a grown human.  “It wasn’t much for conversation,” he said in a follow up interview.  “I tried discussing politics and all, but I suppose it didn’t have much experience on the subject.  I would’ve tried playing games with it, but [Mother] stopped me from sneaking a monopoly board inside.  Then, we discovered music.”

The host woman confirmed that by week 12, Santorum had brought his banjo and started a folk band with the fetus.

After completing an album, Santorum announced “he’s ready,” and the mother immediately went into labor.

Santorum, as he recovered after being removed in the emergency room, was quoted as saying “I want to go back.  I finally felt safe in there.”  He changed his tune after resting awhile, stating later that “only a living, intelligent being could possibly possess the intuition required to survive in as hostile an environment as the female womb.”

“Santorum attempted to interact with the fetus, hoping to show that it harbored just as much intelligence as a grown human.”

In the following weeks, Santorum’s wife, who was apparently unaware of the experiment, filed for divorce.  When asked why not seeing him for almost a year hadn’t seemed odd to her, she responded that she “figured he was working late or something, sometimes we have conflicting schedules.”  While Santorum chalks up a victory for the pro-life movement, his wife chalks up his experiment to nothing more than an affair.

“The head in her pussy thing?  He’s into some weird shit.”

 

This article is satirical in nature.