Physics Student Solves Everything by Reading Textbook

"I guess we just skimmed over all that stuff before."

Shits & Giggles | Josh Denty | January 19, 2016

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The world of physics, both theoretical and otherwise, was rocked last Thursday when a nineteen year old physics student, named Michelle Jacks, discovered the answers to all physics_2unsolved physics questions.

Jacks, a freshman at George Mason University, discovered the missing information while reading through the assigned textbook for her introduction to physics lecture.

“I just thought I should be thorough, ya know?” she replied when asked about it.

“I’m interested in the subject, so when I got it I started reading pretty much immediately.  And besides, if this is what I’m majoring in, it makes sense to read the whole thing so I get a good foundation in the topic.”

Legendary physicists, when polled as to why they were unaware that their questions had already been answered, admitted sheepishly that they “must’ve skipped over that part of the research.”  Only Stephen Hawking differed on his response, retorting: “and how exactly do you expect me to pick up a textbook?”

physicsAccording to the previously missed chapters, humanity has known ever equation and explanation for every observed and unobserved naturally occurring behavior in the universe.  Flipping through the chapters in question, one physicist remarked.  “We proved dark energy how many decades ago? And what’s this about Einstein unifying his theory right before he died?”

Besides raising questions about the competence today’s giants of physics, the discovered knowledge also opened the doors to a teaching scandal in both high school and college.

Academic watchdog Milo Drake remarked:

“On reviewing teaching plans of the past decades, we’ve found that the chapters in question have never been assigned at any point.  Furthermore, professors save the surrounding chapters for the time around midterm exams, making it unlikely that students would bother to read beyond what they’re told they have to.”

Already, thousands of students, both current and alumni, have begun questioning if their professors intentionally neglected details that, if taught, would make their positions irrelevant. “It’s like they dragged us through extremely basic information just so they could take our money,” was the immediate response by Jacks.

“Legendary physicists, when polled as to why they were unaware that their questions had already been answered, admitted sheepishly that they ‘must’ve skipped over that part of the research.'”

Doubtless, thousands of peer reviewed research papers have been subject to the same skimming behavior that college physics_3educated physicists learn during academia.

As researchers return to double check prior work, scholars in other fields have decided to do the same, bringing groundbreaking information to light for many of them.  Literary professors were shocked to find that what they had neglected as a mere smudge on a Shakespeare play was actually the signature of Francis Bacon, and the Catholic church was rocked when reading the foreword of the bible revealed a disclaimer calling the book “mere fiction that should not be taken as the basis for society.”


This Article is Satirical in Nature

Featured Image: Bev Sykes.  CC.BY 3.0