Jada Pinkett Smith has spent much of the last few weeks in a huff, after being informed that she would not be receiving an Oscar award.
In fact, as she was told, not a single person of color had received a nomination.
“Of course I’m not going. Can you believe the nerve of those people?” Smith exclaimed about the news. “The entire committee is elderly white men, and they’re intentionally keeping black people out. Well, I won’t stand for it – this is one party they can throw without me.”
Broadcasting her thoughts on Twitter, as one does, Smith has gained the support of thousands of anonymous online individuals. Due to pirated streaming sites and viewing parties, most would have been neglected in ratings counts, and many more would have been too busy reading celebrity responses to actually tune into the show. Despite this, their standard silence has now turned into a silence with purpose.
Ironically, Smith has reported that her quality of life has decreased from the support she’s received.
“I had to turn my phone off for right now, because all the twitter responses I was getting were eating through my data plan.
This outpouring, while meaningful, may prove unnecessary. According to sources, Smith is the victim of a group decision to “keep her from attending the Oscars,”.
“Actually, it was a lie,” claimed insider Melissa Jones.
“A couple weeks before the news broke, we all started talking about how nice it would be not to have to deal with her this year. Then Michael Fassbender suggested ‘why not?’ and we decided, what the hell, and told her we weren’t nominating any black people. Actually, we’ve nominated several for each category,”.
Why the lies, then?
“She’s rude, and she smells really bad,” says celebrity Matt Damon, adding that the smell came from perfume or lack thereof depending on the encounter. “She kept making us really uncomfortable last year, so we decided to ditch her this time. Send her one way and meet up elsewhere, ya know?”
“Of course I’m not going. Can you believe the nerve of those people?” – Jada Pinkett Smith
Other celebrities complained of her inability to hold a regular conversation, constant inappropriate comments, and her refusal to relax on her high standards. “She gets really preachy about things,” claimed one, who asked to remain anonymous. “Last Halloween, I went as a Native American, and she actually called my home phone several times to tell me why she didn’t approve of it. I mean, look, it’s one thing to explain that something is inappropriate, but that doesn’t mean you have to derail whatever is happening to do so.”
Given her equal rights extremism, the choice of lie seemed obvious.
Nick Cannon explained: “Of course we told her black people weren’t being nominated. She wont’ shut up about it. She actually sent me a text beforehand saying ‘I swear if we don’t see a black turnout on awards night I’m gonna be pissed,’ so I pretty much immediately shot back that there hadn’t been any nominated. I had to block her number for awhile after that.”
When questioned on who they thought would win, the committee admitted that they “still anticipated a whitewashed victory party afterwards.”
This Article is Satirical in Nature
Featured Image: Davidlohr Bueso. CC. BY 2.0