With Nation Distracted, Obama Steals All of the Pudding

A Delicious Executive Decision

Guilty Pleasure | Josh Denty | January 11, 2016 SATIRE

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On Thursday, January 7th,

Barrack Obama completed a cycle of controversy when his administration shut down the Johnson Center at George Mason University so he could have a “town hall” meeting on pudding_johnsoncenterhis executive gun control orders.  It was not a true conversation, though, as the event was “invitation only” and any known opponents of gun control legislation were barred from attending.

Reportedly, the closed doors of this talk had a much more sinister purpose.

Mitch Jackson, an audio tech who works regularly on federal news briefs and conferences, contacted The Rival at GMU recently with information that the meeting that claimed to have taken place on Thursday, January 7th, at George Mason University was actually filmed three days earlier in the back of an unmarked van behind the White House.

“It was not a true conversation, though, as the event was ‘invitation only’…”

townhall_pudding
(cnn.com)

“It’s incredible what they can do in post these days,” he told us.  “All the backgrounds, including the audience, even Anderson Cooper, were added in by a special effects team.  They were so lifelike, you can’t tell the difference.  Of course, we’ve had high quality CG animation for a while, but we’ve kept the really good stuff away from Hollywood so the public won’t know we can make it look that good digitally.”

And so, that Thursday, the President had the perfect alibi.  A prerecorded tape broadcast his presence at the Johnson Center for all to see, and thousands watched at home with their arms wrapped, guarding, their gun stockpile.

The President reportedly took this opportunity to sneak into thousands of houses and steal delicious Jello brand chocolate pudding from the fridges of American Citizens.

“Dammit, was he at it again?”  was the response from first lady Michelle Obama, who went on to explain the rationale for this bizarre chain of events.

“I suppose it’s my fault, really.  [Obama] was so fit when we got married.  Athletic, six pack, huge biceps.  I loved feeling them, loved how he looked.  Of course, he lost the time to exercise when he got into politics, and his diet slipped into obama_puddingmostly fast food and takeout pizza when he ran for president.  Inauguration day, he got winded going up the Capitol steps, so I decided to put him on a diet.  Him, and the whole nation.”

According to the White House Kitchen, President Obama was banned from eating pudding of any kind as a part of his wife’s national healthy eating initiative.

One chef, who requested to remain anonymous, stated that “Barrack has had a lot of trouble adjusting to not having pudding.  From what I hear, the guy used to have it at every meal.  Now that he’s not allowed to eat it anymore, he’s been relentless trying to get some.  We constantly have to remove it from shopping lists, because he’ll sneak downstairs at night and add it while we aren’t watching.”

“According to the White House Kitchen, President Obama was banned from eating pudding of any kind as a part of his wife’s national healthy eating initiative. “

pudding_gunsGun owners were especially hard hit with the news that their weapons were never under threat, and their anger was falsely generated in response to one of the president’s harebrained schemes.  “I have all this rage, and nothing to direct it to,” said one in an interview, moments before donning a Donald Trump 2016 hat.

President Obama has reportedly locked himself in the Oval Office, and shows no signs of leaving any time soon.

Government productivity has remained unchanged through his absence.

In brighter news, the economy added 10,000 jobs as the Jello corporation brought on workers to keep up with an increased demand for chocolate pudding, presumably to replace those stolen.

 

This Article is Satirical in Nature

 

*Featured Image from sweets.seriouseats.com