Maybe God Likes to Watch

Implicit and Implied Sex Stories from the Bible

Shits & Giggles | Josh Denty | March 1, 2016 SATIRE

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Everyone knows someone who takes religion way too seriously.  

Be it the Westborough Baptist Church, extremist militants in the Middle East, or that one relative who starts shouting if you forget to say grace, everyone’s lives have been affected in some way by people who really put all their faith in their faith.

We seem to forget that religions throughout time have been significantly more lenient on the fallibility of their deities; consider that the Greek pantheon was filled with figures whose lives were closer to that of an everyday human than an all knowing supreme being. Lest we take our religions too seriously and forget that in the old testament God acted like a petulant teenager in the midst of puberty.

Here’s a series of sex stories from the Christian Bible.

1. God and Mary totally did it.

God_1 Are we really supposed to believe that an all knowing being forgot to use protection? Taking a cue from the Greek mythos, we have to believe that a younger God was likely a damn horn-dog, and it’s unlikely that he would want to be tied down raising a child (hence, this only happened once so far).

So why would He choose this instance to have a child? Revenge, of course. Realistically speaking, it seems likely that Mary and God were going at it for months before she turned around and decided to marry Joseph, prompting God to ask for “just one more night” and conveniently forget to use a condom.

Mary gets stuck raising a kid she didn’t plan, and Joseph doesn’t get to have sex with her because she’s pregnant. A dick move, yes, but one that was just as easy to play off as a miracle later. As Heracles before him, Jesus was born as a demigod, and spent his life struggling with having the powers of a god, but the mortality of a human.

2. Adam and Eve spent years in a nudist garden with each other while God watched.

God_2Of course, we’re familiar with the concept of Adam and Eve being unaware of the more “adult” side of life until they partook in an apple from the tree of knowledge. (On a side note: considering Eve was cloned from a piece of Adam, is this the origin of the term “fruit” for homosexuals?)

Up until then, they spent their whole lives wandering around naked, with God watching over them from time to time. Yes, God watched his children wander around in the buff well into their adult years, trying His best to prevent them from figuring it out. Under any other circumstance, that’d be grounds for arrest. Can anyone say white supreme being privilege?

Then, they got kicked out. Why? They decided to wear clothes. Imagine watching porn, and then the participants get grossed out and start getting dressed while apologizing to each other. Of course you’d switch tabs.

3. Adam and Eve had this whole out orgy with their kids and it was really gross.

God’s famous line to his children: “Go forth and multiply,” and now there are billions of us. According to studies done to determine how many humans would be required to sustain a space colony, growing a stable colony of healthy humans would require 160 sexually viable individuals to start. By throwing in God magic, we can remove the issue of interbreeding with Adam and Eve.

That being said, they’d still have to produce around 160 new children to create a strong starting population. Looking at this logically, we can reach two conclusions: Either they had just a ton of sex and Eve gave birth to a metric ton of children (unlikely from a physical point alone) or they had a few kids, and then started bringing them into the bedroom to participate. Of course, incest laws didn’t exist then, and it was very common for inbreeding to occur for political reasons. However, the human brain is specifically designed to avoid sex with close relatives, so there had to be a conscious decision to override this instinct and make Thanksgiving very awkward.

4. A man named Lot offered to let his daughters get gang raped, then got drunk and banged them himself.

God_3A scene from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, God determined that the only individuals worth saving from an otherwise depraved community were a man named Lot and his two virgin daughters. This decision was made after Lot responded to an angry mob consenting that, if they were good, they could take turns having sex with his daughters. God stood by his decision when, after the destruction of the cities, Lot emerged from a cave with a wicked hangover and two daughters now pregnant with his children.  Yes, rather than chalk the whole city up as a total loss, God continued to consider Lot a well-mannered, stand-up sort of fellow, and kept him and his family alive. His daughters’ kids eventually went on to form lineages of their own, presumably returning to the cave of their origin every year to mate.

5. Zipporah had sex with Moses, then circumcised her kid on whim.

God_4While having sex with your husband isn’t an issue in itself, one should never resort to swinging knives at their kid without careful consideration beforehand. When God discovered that Moses and Zipporah had failed to circumcise their child, He threatened to bring his wrath on them. Zipporah pretty much immediately took a knife to her kid’s dick without questioning it. While male and female circumcision are a hot button issue today, I’ve yet to see anyone on Facebook threaten death if it isn’t performed. Can we conclude that God had a thing for circumcised penises? Maybe.

6. The Egyptians had a shit ton of sex to recover from that “Angel of Death” incident.

God_5When Pharaoh refused to free the Jews from their enslavement, God sent plagues to try and strong-arm him into a decision. Of these, the most memorable is the infamous “Angel of Death,” who traveled door to door killing every first born male child, effectively wiping out an entire generation of Egyptians.

Under normal circumstances, this would spell the end for a species or tribe, but that same Egypt lasted for centuries after. To recover from such a hard reset, there’s no question that Egyptians spent the next few years gettin’ it on for the express purpose of replacing the hundreds of male children that had been killed. Looking back, there’s a good chance that we’ll see a gap in the growth of Egypt around this time, should the stories be true.

7. Noah had to create a massive breeding program that was able to save the Pandas.

God_6We all know pandas are shitty at breeding. Assuming the concept that every animal we see today was created along with Adam and Eve, the pandas we’re familiar with today were also passengers on Noah’s ark, but only two of them.

To build a viable panda population that would last until today, Noah would need to design an intense breeding program for them. Fickle creatures that they are, saving the pandas alone would have taken much of Noah’s time and energy. Without modern science, creating enough baby pandas at the time would likely require a bit of a “hands on” approach from Noah. We can consider how his wife felt about holding his hand on another day.

8. At the end of the world, God will show us all a porn tape he made of everyone.

The common understanding of when our souls are judged is a bit off; it isn’t until judgement day that the dead will rise and be judged to go to heaven or hell. At this point, the judgement of our lives, i.e. every action we took, will be played at once for everyone to see. Judging by our browser histories, there’s no doubt that somewhere between 75 and 90 percent of this viewing will be sexual activity. Yes, God, the amateur film director He is, has been making a huge sex tape of his children, and plans to show it to all of us once it’s done, not unlike slides from a recent vacation. We only hope he’s able to edit a hilarious opening sequence before the hardcore stuff gets going.

Staple to page 45 of your bible.

Co-written by: Nahom Woldeab

Featured Image: Wikipedia