Little Jimmy Mitchell Found Hiding Report Cards in Panama

Parents Vow Stricter Oversight

Shits & Giggles | Josh Denty | April 6, 2016 SATIRE

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Woodbridge, Va. — Little Jimmy Mitchell, second son of Dan and Marie Mitchell, is dealing with a shattered reputation and attempting to pick up the pieces of his life after leaked documents revealed hidden report cards in Panama with his identification dating back to third grade.

The middle schooler is facing charges of lying to his parents and shirking his responsibilities after evidence that he had sent every report card from the 7th grade to an offshore student account in the Panama school system.

Deborah Walters, a Department of Education consultant from New York, stated that offshore shell student accounts are not a new concept.

“They’ve gotten popular in recent years, especially in countries that are known to be parent grade checking havens,” Walters said in an interview. “The problem isn’t knowing that they exist, or even where they are. The problem has always been figuring out which students here are liked to the fake students overseas. These documents have given us several million elementary, middle, and high school students who have chosen to send their report cards overseas, rather than submitting their full grade reports for parental checking.”

“He said the county had gone paperless,” said Jimmy’s distraught mother in an interview. “He insisted that there was an online tool for us the keep track of his grades, but all we could ever find through the school website was gym class.”

His homeroom teacher, Mr. Jacobson, has expressed surprise that his parents had never requested a meeting regarding their son’s grades. “Beyond gym class, Jimmy was hitting solid Ds and Fs in all of his classes,” said Jacobson. “I had called his home phone several times, but the only person who ever answered just shouted at me in Arabic.”

Sources confirm that children setting up shell families overseas is also not uncommon.

If found guilty, little Jimmy Mitchell faces ten minutes in time out, and a week long grounding.

He has pleaded not guilty by reason of, “But everyone else was doing it! C’mon, Mom!”

Mr. Mitchell, a Wall Street broker, had no comment when asked where his son may have gotten the idea to hide things he’d rather not report overseas.


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