There’s such a stigma in our society about sex, not necessarily about the act of having sex, but about doing risqué things in bed.
I happen to find this ridiculous. It’s natural for humans to crave intimacy, physical or otherwise. So why not let your freak flag fly in bed?
The thing about rough sex is it doesn’t have to be like it is in that crazy porn you found on your boyfriend’s
computer where the girl looks like she’s being tortured. It can be whatever you want it to be. When it comes to all things in life, you can’t knock it ‘til you try it. A lot of people just don’t know how to do it in a safe manner or they’ve seen all this hardcore porn (because everyone watches porn, if you say you don’t, you’re lying) and don’t think that looks appealing.
If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. But what I have found is that I happen to like a lot of things in bed that I never thought I would. By expanding my sexual self I have found that I have more confidence and it has brought me closer to my partner.
That’s because sex, like all other things, is all about communication and connection.
Humans, as animals, crave intimacy and physical and emotional connection. Sex is normal, it’s programmed into our DNA. You shouldn’t be ashamed of what you crave in bed, but you should be safe about how you undertake rough, physically demanding sex. You should only do it if you want to, being pressured into doing things you don’t like in bed can be catastrophic to your relationship with your partner.
So for the sake of being closer to your partner, expanding your sexual horizons, spicing up your usual sexy time, and overcoming your sex based fears, here are my guidelines on how to let that kink out.
Be with someone you feel completely safe with.
Rough sex with someone you aren’t comfortable and don’t feel safe with can be terrible.
Talk about what your desires and limits are.
Just putting it out there to your partner is a huge step. We all just want to satisfy the person we are having sex with, so knowing what they are into and aren’t is important. You also don’t want to pressure someone into doing something they are completely against. The goal here isn’t to get your rocks off how you want to, the goal is to have a satisfying, exhilarating experience with your partner. I will repeat : WITH YOUR PARTNER. If you don’t want to satisfy their cravings AND your own, don’t have sex. Just go home and do it yourself.
Respect their choices.
Once your significant other puts out there what they like and don’t like, don’t try and pressure them mid-sex. That’s bad manners. If your partner asks for something that they earlier said they didn’t want to do, ask them something like, “Are you sure?” If they say no, the answer is no and it was just heat of the moment. If the answer is yes, trust their judgement and go forth and conquer. By asking them if they are sure they want you to do x, y, or z, you are acknowledging that you heard them and that you are respecting their boundaries (even if they change them).
Don’t judge them for their kinks and they won’t judge you.
This is pretty basic. If the man likes a finger up his ass, don’t make a face. If she likes it if you spank her with a belt, don’t recoil. If they like to have their little asshole licked, don’t judge. This is pivotal. We all have the things that feel good or the things that don’t. If they’re down for a good ole rim job, give it a shot (just make sure they’re clean). Turns out, you might just like it yourself.
“The thing about rough sex is it doesn’t have to be like it is in that crazy porn you found on your boyfriend’s computer where the girl looks like she’s being tortured.”
Make sure they know your fears and any past bad experiences in trying rough sex or sexual assaults.
If you have been the victim of a sexual assault or rape, you have to let your partner know about it. Seriously, that shit pops up at the worst fucking times.
Come up with some sort of signal when you are uncomfortable or don’t want to do it anymore.
Some people use a safe word, which is all well and good. The problem is when the moment arises that you need to use the safe word it can slip your mind. I tend to go for the typical “stop” since it’s easy to remember or a signal of some sort. For me, it tends to be me pushing them backwards with my hand on the middle of their chest or tapping their leg if we’re doggy style and I’m being choked and can’t breathe. Regardless, sit down together and come up
with something memorable that you will naturally say or do when you are uncomfortable.
Don’t be afraid to tell them to stop.
That’s right: if you need to tap out, tap the fuck out. You aren’t letting them down, and you aren’t being a whiny bitch. You simply have hit your breaking point which is normal and fine, especially if this is all new to you. If someone tells you to stop or uses your safe word or gives you the signal: FUCKING STOP. Don’t be an asshole. Rough sex can easily become a situation where someone feels like they are being taken advantage of, so don’t be a dick and listen to your partner.
Don’t feel bad if you are uncomfortable.
Like I said before, it’s always worth giving a shot, but that also means you may not be into it and that is OKAY. It does not mean you’re boring or your partner will never have sex with you again, it just means your a candle and slow music kind of lover over an aggressive, animal instincts one. So don’t feel bad, and more importantly, don’t make the other person feel bad if they call it quits. Seriously, a lot of this whole interaction is based off of neither of you being an ass.
Be comfortable with the fact that at some point, something is going to go wrong.
Whether it’s “changing lanes without signaling” (aka getting a nice big cock up your ass when you weren’t expecting it, which is really painful mind you) or suddenly not being able to breathe, something is going to go wrong. Granted, something always goes wrong in sex. Someone is going to make a fart with some part of their body
(it might be just them or a suction action between two sweaty humans) or burp in your face, or get penetrated at the wrong angle and be in excruciating pain. This shit happens. A lot. So, there’s no way to make rough sex completely accident free. Just acknowledge that it is going to happen and when it does, be kind and understanding.
Yes, she might be laying their grasping her lady bits screaming in pain, or he might end up asleep on top of you mid sex (no joke, it has happened to me with him asleep on me or me asleep on him), but that doesn’t mean you can’t move on from it. I’ve had some pretty mortifying experiences, the winner of which was when I was being choked and started having a full blown panic attack. Lucky for me, I listened to step one and was with someone I felt completely safe with who immediately realized something was wrong and comforted me. That is how accidents are supposed to work. It may be mortifying at that moment, but in the long run it will be a good joke and give a good laugh once you can breathe or your asshole stops feeling like a small alien creature probed it.
Get out of your head and relax.
Seriously, sex is sex. So just relax, enjoy the ride (or being ridden) and go with it. If you have talked about it with your partner then if something goes wrong you’ll know how to make it better in no time.
Afterwards you should cuddle and calm down. Get back to a comfortable and relaxed state.
Cuddles are awesome, especially after you’ve just been fucked into submission.
So there you go, folks.
Go and explore yourself and your partner. Yes, some kinks may sound real weird at first but eventually you’ll come to love pleasing your partner in their own way as they enjoy being pleased. While I happen to be pretty open about my sexcapades (there’s a piece coming later regarding my funny sex stories), you don’t have to be. If you’re a behind closed doors person, stay that way. But what you do when alone and out of the sight of the world is for you to know and all others to wonder.
Be safe. Have fun. Most importantly: get your freak on.