California College Solves That Pesky Rape Problem

Discovers Scientific Formula for Relationships

Shits & Giggles | Josh Denty | March 20, 2016

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Over the past few years, it’s become apparent that the supposed rights and equality that women have achieved were little more than a portrait, hiding the real inequality they face. Forget representation in high paying jobs, or body image pressure:

Girls today can’t wake up without facing the possibility of sexual violence.

As the first place a girl is truly on her own, women initially face this reality on college campuses. Colleges have tried many tactics to expose and fix rape_free_campusthe constant threat of assault and rape women face. Publishing the names and faces of any possible perpetrators has helped women avoid known offenders, as has the expulsion of any men who a girl believes has raped her (actual rape notwithstanding) preventing a personality of rape from manifesting into actual actions.

Still, rapes happen.

Push-back on the confusion of what constitutes consent remains a significant issue.  Men claim “asking for consent ruins the mood,” despite what damage their misogynistic thoughts may have on the women who already have it worse off than them.

Today, a college in California has created an easy solution to this issue.

A committee from the gender studies board has determined the basic formula that makes all vaginal intercourse possible rape. By having an object inside of her, women engaging in sex automatically take up a submissive stance, while men become dominant. In this fashion women, already at a societal disadvantage, must face a traumatic, harrowing experience for human reproduction to work.

This committee recommended that, to equalize the sexual playing field, women engaging in sex must be given a dominant position over the men praying mantisthey have sex with. Taking cues from the Praying Mantis, they suggest that in a sexual situation all women should be armed and ready to mutilate or execute the male involved, should she decide to. “By putting the male life in danger”, the report reads, “neither side will become dominant, as both are at equal risk of traumatic, life changing damages.”

Taking cues from the Praying Mantis, they suggest that in a sexual situation all women should be armed and ready to mutilate or execute the male involved, should she decide to.

Boasting the hashtag “#killsomemen,” this program has already eliminated reports of rape across campus. In a system that can best be called killing two birds with one stone, the female to male ratio has also skyrocketed during this time; though majors most in need of help, like engineering and computer science, are failing to see much impact.

Concerns are arising at the validity of this plan, though.

One report of attempted rape was ignored by the college, after the reported attacker was stabbed to death during penetration. The response given by the lead investigator of the report was: “We don’t believe it was rape, as his death clearly indicates a position of submissiveness.” “In legitimate rape cases, the female body is prevented from grabbing a weapon and beating the shit out of its attacker,” she added.

Progress, yes, but still we have miles to go.

 

This article is satirical in nature.